Life in the spin cycle. The party is definitely over.

Ever feel like you're stuck in a spin cycle, going around and around but not really getting anywhere? Like everyone else is moving on with their lives, achieving things, figuring stuff out, and you're just... there?  That's how I feel. Like I'm the human equivalent of that one sock you find behind the dryer, the one that somehow escaped the laundry vortex and is now just... lost.

It's not the worst look, I guess.  There are worse things.  Like, say, wearing Crocs...ironically. Okay, maybe that is worse  But still.  This feeling of being stuck? It sucks. It's like I'm at the party of life, but I'm the last one left, nursing an empty beer, wondering where everyone went.  And the music's still playing, some cheesy 80s power ballad that just won't quit.

There are different stages of life, I know. First, you're trying to impress people. Then you're trying to impress people without looking like you're trying to impress them. Then you're definitely trying to impress people, but trying really hard to make it seem like you don't care. Pete Davidson and Kanye West are both card-carrying members of that club. They probably founded it. Me? I genuinely don't give a sh... well, you know. If I really didn't care, I probably wouldn't have a blog. I wouldn't put so much effort into connecting with people I never want to see or talk to again. But I digress. I'm a walking contradiction. Just like everyone else, probably.

The "party never over" guy is always going to be at that party. Even when he's on Medicare, pushing a walker, complaining about the microbrew while trying to sneak a Pabst. That's just who he is. People accept it, sort of. They don't really talk to him, they don't hang out with him. He's the pariah, but he does his thing. He's the guy who brings a six-pack of warm beer to a BYOB party.  He's the human embodiment of "bless his heart."

The party was over long before I knew it, or rather, before I admitted it. All those times I pretended everyone was my friend, even when they were using me. I guess I just have a "good heart." Or maybe I'm just naive. I just wanted to belong somewhere, and for a while, that somewhere was a party. Not really. I only went to a few. But that's why I latched onto things – substances, people, bad decisions – anything to make me feel young and alive. Even though I've been at the age where I have to check my blood pressure regularly for over ten years. It's a sobering thought. Literally. 

I'm glad I'm out of prison, but in some ways, I almost wish I was back. When I was inside, I was so hopeful. So many opportunities, so many things I was going to do, so many goals I was going to crush. Then, when I got the chance, I blew it.

 Again. 

Everybody, millions of people every day talk about how they’re gonna be the next Bezos, Donald Trump, and Elon Musk . Wow that’s a lot of competition, those 4 should really watch out right ?        WRONG         Because the need to do and achieve is always outweighed by the actual work and effort that it takes to really succeed, millions of ppl talk about the stuff because that’s all it is…… talk and it’s so easy to talk just ask your friend mark if he ever got that mini micro brewery set up in his garage that he’d been talking about for years….. well on second thought don’t ask him, we already know the answer

That's why people like Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Bezos, and Steve Jobs weren't too worried about someone taking their spot. Because as much as we want the cool things these people have, we don't want to do the work. We want to get paid for writing blogs, playing video games, creating YouTube content, trading crypto. And yeah, those are real things now, and some people make it. But is that really work? Is that what this country was built on? I don't know. Really, I don't know. Maybe it's all just a big, elaborate Ponzi scheme.

But maybe, just maybe, the party isn't completely over. Maybe it's just changed venues. Maybe it's time to find a new party, one where belonging isn't about clinging to the past, but about building a future.  Or maybe I'll just keep finding that one sock behind the dryer.